Wiener Wrangler of the Week: Friday, September 30, 2005

Every Friday Stinkhorn Rodeo will choose from three no-account, no good, lowdown, rascally, bushwackin, varmits who've made this big ol' ranch we call The Earth a little less pleasin to ride. The three "Candidates" will compete for the title of what we like to call, The Wiener Wrangler of the Week Award...

This week, us here up at the Stinkhorn have been followin' all sorts o' goins on in the news, and it'll be some chore to choose just one Wiener worth wranglin' for the premiere of the Weiner Wrangler of the Week Award. But we all of us sat down 'round the Stinkhorn kitchen table with a bottle of hooch and a batch of my famous Concha Cookies and whittled it down to three likely weiners:

Wiener Wrangler Candidate #1: Michael "Brownie" Brown

Wanted For: Allowin' entire American cities to suffer needless distruction and then blamin' every high sherrif in the territories for his addle-pated decisions. Ol' Brownie did one heck of a job as the ranch boss over at FEMA... a heck of job. All of of us 'round the table know he didn't start no hurricane all by his lonesome, but he sure screwed the pooch after the fact. Boy couldn't even hold down a job managin' a bunch o' uppity horses for a collection of wealthy land barrons. We here at the Rodeo don't cotton to people who can't even handle a horse!

Wiener Wrangler Candidate #2: Bill "Virtue" Bennett

Wanted For: Promotin' the slaughter of children (never mind what color they is) in a neffarious scheme to reduce the crime rate. How in Sam Hill the one time education leader of the nation could fall so far afield has all of us her at the Stinkhorn scratchin our collective Stetsons. To actually verbalize... gosh, they ain't no pretty way around what he done said. He outright put forth the proposition that if African American cowgirls aborted their babies, we'd all be a whole lot safer. Now that's just crazy talk. Ol' Johnny can't hardly get his head around the notion. (I had to personally prevent Johnny from ridin' off to perform a "late term abortion" on Mr. Bennett.) For a man who scribed a tome reckoned The Book of Virtues to utter such unvirtuous hog slop has us (and the chickens) pretty riled.

Wiener Wrangler Candidate #3: Tom "Bugman" DeLay

Wanted For: Conspirin' to allegedly launder cash money so it would reach the deep pockets of corrupt Texas politicians. Whew! This fella here... son of a bitch! Where does a cowgirl start? The list of offenses is longer than North Dakota Pete's grandpa's beard (and that's long, let me tell ya...). He's been an arm-twistin', card-sharkin', slippery-handed, double-talkin', single-minded, judge-hatin', law-breakin', bottom-feeder who probably would have no compunction 'bout takin' candy from a baby. (Around the Ranch, we call that a "politician.") But now it seems that the Texas law has done caught up with this "duly elected representative" of the people, and ol' Bugman ain't takin' kindly to it. Even if he never does see the inside of the Crossbar Hotel, his days of ridin' roughshod may be numbered.

And the Wiener is...

Bill "Virtue" Bennett
While Mr. Brown and Mr. DeLay are equally worthy of Wieners, they both hold difficult positions on the big USA Ranch, and they have made mistakes befittin their positions. But Mr. Bennett made a Texas-sized error when he ain't nothin' more than a Rhode Island-sized figure. With crime in this here country at a 30-year low, Mr. Bennett committed one of the biggest crimes we here at the Stinkhorn can't rightly forgive: bein' too ignorant to know when to keep yer piehole shut.
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About the Writer
Concha Loca is a Stinkhorn Rodeo
Ranch Boss and resident Chicken Whisperer.

Moon Over My Enemy

A few weeks back, I was sitting beneath the luxurious September sky to gaze upon the full moon. After weeks of hurricanes, FEMA debacles, love-life bewilderments, an unexpected death in the family, general struggles with all my demonios personales, and a cranky ol' heard o' hens that Johnny Rawhide brought to the bunkhouse... well, lying beneath the restorative glow of la luna de la madre was a welcomed respite. I love a full moon, and was happy to find some fellas whose love for the oft written of orb had inspired them to finance a trip to our nation'’s capitol. 'Cause after all, if you can't send ol' W to the moon, you oughta send the moon to ol' W.

MoontheWhiteHouse.com is the brainchild of Jon Rosenberg, Phillip Karlsson, and Jeff Anbinder, three self-described "average, whiny, liberal New Yorkers" who "like to drink beer" and "make bad puns." These enterprising boys are hoping that if enough people donate a dollar, they can afford a trip to Washington, D.C. where they will Moon The White House.

We believe that President Bush and his administration have been trampling the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, the cornerstone upon which our great United States of America is founded. They have branded those who would speak freely as traitors, and clamped down on civil liberties whenever convenient in their pursuit of higher poll ratings and distractions from the failing economy and the crimes of their corporate cronies.

In protest, we are planning to embrace the First Amendment with the most powerful act of speech available to us--the Moon. Be a patriot--please help us defend our hard-won freedoms by donating a dollar or more. When we reach our goal of $10,000, we'll go to Washington D.C. and Moon The White House--for all of us. For America.

Now, I don'’t reckon I'd like Mr. Bush to be peeking at my round and sassy, but I sure support any organization (or facsimile thereof) that wishes to go ass to ass with that sissy of a Connecticut cowboy. Not that Mr. Bush sticks around for them sort of shenanigans. He sure made a point of high tailing it to Texas when Cindy Sheehan and her crew took a notion to circle their wagons 'round ol' Casa Blanca. And if the law has a hankerin' for haulin' a mom off to the pokie just for sitting on the sidewalk, what could these three young fella be looking forward to?

'Course, if these here cowpokes shouldn't happen to reach their $10,000 goal by the time Bush leaves office, they won't simply pocket their hard-begged dollars; they plan to purchase El Presidente "a small but tasteful gift" and hold a shindig for all the donors. So tomorrow I'm sending 'em a crisp new George Washington. I'll also be polishing up my best boots just in case I get invited to the hoedown.
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About the Writer
Concha Loca is a Stinkhorn Rodeo
Ranch Boss and resident Chicken Whisperer.