Wiener Wrangler of the Week: Friday--October 7, 2005

Every Friday Stinkhorn Rodeo will choose from three no-account, no good, lowdown, rascally, bushwackin', varmits who've made this big ol' ranch we call The Earth a little less pleasin' to ride. The three "Candidates" will compete for the title of what we like to call, The Wiener Wrangler of the Week Award...



We're a little slow getting things out today on the Rodeo. We had a doozy of a rainstorm last night that near blew down the bunkhouse and did tear up Concha's special chicken coop somethin' fierce. We'z all o' us been chasin' hens for nigh on 10 hours now, then we had to go and towel 'em off, and make special roosts 'em in the ranch house. Concha's all in a dither 'bout her birds, so we'z all pitchin' in to make the day a might easier on her. We already have a team of hands working on rebuilding her special coop, and another team is helpin' to keep the chickens calm. And a few of us hands realized, "Hell fire! We need to finish up the Wiener!" So all due apologies for the tardiness of this here post. Hope you all is havin' a fine day, whatever range ya ride.

Wiener Wrangler Candidate #1: Clarence "The Crib Creeper" White

Wanted For: Attemptin' to outright purchase a female yougin' so's to perform unnatural "biblical" acts... and for just not bein' right!

You can get yerself all sorts a mercantile at a flea market. Jenny Fivehats sells her fine handmade quilts down at the local swapmeet ever Saturday and brings home all sorts of interestin' oddities she has seen fit to barter. But I never done heard o' no one tryin' to get hisself a child for the purposes of sexual intercourse!

Back in August, the ol' "Crib Creeper" was visitin' a flea market up East Tennessee way with a whole list o' particulars for his intended purchase: she needed to be twixt the years o' 9 and 13, and she had to be a willin' to perform unequivocal bestial acts with him. The "Crib Creeper" then left his phone number if'n somebody got about findin' such a youngin'.

A lawman up that way got wind o' this and called up ol' Clarence, pretendin' that he had a yougin' for 'im. So, "The Crib Creeper" high-tailed it back up to the flea market where he was surprised to find a lawman waitin' with the paddy wagon.

Put forth by Concha Loca

Wiener Wrangler Candidate #2: Stacey "Black Bart" Campfield

Wanted For: Shootin' off his mouth and firin' wild into crowds of people in hopes of claimin' some nationwide publicity.

This idjit done had a record of offenses, includin' bein' a duly elected representative who shows up at rallies for the Governor and gets throwed out by deputies for disturbin' the peace, and also fer tryin' to bushwhack college teachers so's they only speak in ways he likes. (A reporter for UT's Beacon has a long history of the Tale of "Black Bart.") "Black Bart" hisself never "attended" college, but he did get hisself a paper from an on-line school what said he was 'educated.'

In claimin' he has a right to join the Black Caucus at the state capitol, he shot off his mouth, his foot, and shot at anyone else nearby with no thought fer consequences and no regrets for his words. He's a'gallopin' backwards in time, and he might jes' as well try and join the Girl Scouts, and lay claim he is a victim of sexism and ageism when they say no.

Oh, and Maybelle Worts, the nearby schoolmarm says he can't spell, which is obvious if you take a gander at his blog. She also says he has no manners, which is nigh on to a crime in her book. (She allows for my poor writin' skills, but says an Elected Official ain't a cowboy, though she doesn't use the word 'ain't'.)

Put forth by Johnny Rawhide

Wiener Wrangler Candidate #3: Bill O'Reilly

Wanted For: Attemptin' to quash free speech on the World Wide Web, and America.

This week, "Spinner" was runnin' full tilt at anyone who shares opinions or writes facts, claimin' that political blogs are destroyin' the fabric of Old Glory. He is yet another purveyor of foot-in-mouth disease.

"Spinner" calls folks "assassins" and "zombies" for reportin' how much hot water he got into after bein' sued by an employee, and fer tellin' readers how the truth gets stretched to wholly unknown shapes on his dog-and-pony show. He caterwauls like a wounded wildcat ever dang night, and claims he's a victim of one plot or another on a regular basis.

It's a basic freedom in this here nation to speak yer piece, and he sure does take advantage of that hisself. Trouble is, he wants you to jes shut up and think like he does. In this here nation, patriots call that kind of loco talk the act of a tyrant and a dictator.

Put forth by The Ranch Hands

And the Wiener is...

Stacey "Black Bart" Campfield
Some folks like "The Crib Creeper" ain't right in the head, and t'others, like "The Spinner" is just downright mean, but ol' "Black Bart" seems to have 'em all beat, bein' that he's an elected official and all.

Once't, a few years back, we here at the Stinkhorn Ranch 'lowd a feller to come be part of the Rodeo--Pete Sake. Now, Pete could talk a blue streak 'bout hisself and all he'd done 'for he got to the Ranch. But when time came to put nose to grindstone, Pete came up shorter than a 2-foot ladder tryin' to reach a 2nd story window. He didn't know nothin' 'bout ridin' ponies, but sure had a lot words to throw a cowboy's way. And though he didn't do a lick o' work 'round the ranch, he sure did take to tellin' us'ins the best way to finish our chores. The final straw came when he started botherin' Concha 'bout wantin' to be a Cowgirl and began messin' with her chickens. We t'aint never seen a body run so fast as Pete Sake when Concha went after the boy with her 10-foot whip a whackin' through the air louder then a gunshot.

There's all kinds o' stupid in this here world, but Stacey "Black Bart's" Campfield's particular brand o' dumb is about is irritatin' as a skeeter buzzin 'round yer ear in the middle of the night. Ol' Mr. Campfield thinks his smarts is champagne in a crystal goblet, when jes' one look'll tell ya he ain't nothin' but Yoo-Hoo in a Dixie Cup. He's more then a bubble left o' plumb, this varmit, tryin' to claim that the Black Caucus is racist 'cause it ain't got no room fer a peckerwood like hisself. They's even offered to let him be an honorary member if'n he'd just apologize for his wrong-headedness, but Mr. Campfield still ain't bitin'. But Concha's whip'll sure take a bite out his behind should he ever show hisself up Stinkhorn way. And you can count on that.
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Email Us:
The Stinkhorn Rodeo Riders would like to
know if you have any candidates worthy
of Wiener Wranglin'. Send us an email namin'
the varmit and why he or she is worthy of
bein' a Wiener, and we may just put up a
Wanted poster.